Until the Bow Breaks
by Ambient Love
Summary: When Jim's mother dies, Spock must help him grieve, but Jim is illogically resistant. Established Spirk relationship with S/K SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or these Characters. I just using them for Slashy goodness.

A/N: I wrote this because I had two close friends lose their mother's to cancer in 2011.

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><p><strong>Until the Bow Breaks<strong>

Chapter 1

It was early 'morning" aboard the Enterprise when Captain Kirk's communicator chirped. Awkwardly and half asleep, he untwisted himself from his partner, Spock, and his sheets. He wiped his face to clear the sleepy fog from his mind. Grabbing his communicator, he flipped it open.

"Kirk here," he said, quietly as not to disturb his lover.

"I'm sorry to disturb you Captain," the bridge communications officer Barrett immediately apologized.

"Don't mind apologies, Lieutenant, just make waking me up worth it," Kirk adjusted his position, just as Spock turned to him wide awake.

"Captain, you have a subspace communication coming in from Admiral Pike, it's on emergency channels. I'm patching it into your quarters," Lt. Barrett said and Kirk quickly pulled on his pajama pants and a shirt. He went to his communication terminal.

"Admiral Pike, this is an early morning call, what going on?" Kirk said, as he saw Pike's red and weary eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jim, I just received a call from the Iowa police. They found your mother," he paused. Kirk rolled his eyes.

"What's the charges now? Drunk and disorderly again? Does this warrant the use of subspace communications? There's nothing I can do to help her from here, if you can bail her out I can spot you the credits until we reach orbit," Kirk rattled off and Pike shook his head.

"Winona's dead Jim," Pike said, looking down at his hands. Kirk sat back in his chair. Spock rose to go to him, but Kirk shook his head. _No need to alert the Administration of our happy fun times over Winona,_ he thought.

"Well bury her," he said, shocking the hell out of Pike.

"Wha-What?" Pike stammered.

"She's retired Starfleet, right? She gets a standard regulation funeral paid for by Starfleet. Bury her right next to George. God knows that's exactly where she's wanted to be my entire life," Kirk said, coldly. Spock looked at him from behind the communications terminal with the same confused expression that Pike was wearing.

"James, she's your 're literally only a week away from Earth. Don't you want to say goodbye?" Pike asked.

"Hmm," Kirk thought about it for a moment. "Nope."

"James, if you need to take sometime to mourn..." Pike began.

"I'm one hundred percent fine, Chris. Winnie was my mom by loins alone. I let go having some semblance of a relationship with that woman years ago. It's sad she couldn't get her shit together. Oh well," he hunched his shoulders and Spock raised his eyebrow. "If that's all I should really get back to sleep, my shift starts in four hours."

"Well shit, um, yeah that was all. You sure you don't-"

"Kirk out." Kirk effectively ended the transmission before Pike could finish.

He sat in his chair quietly brooding for a moment and then looked up at Spock who stood in front of him wrapped in his bed sheet.

"Jim," he began and Kirk stood up and pealed of his black t-shirt walking back to bed. "Jim." Spock tried again placing his hand on Kirk's shoulder sending him waves of comfort through their bond with his touch.

"Don't," Kirk pulled away and climbed into bed. "She wasn't a mother to me or my brother. She was nothing," he said, unable to keep the angry bite out of his tone. "Come to bed, we have a few hours left before shift," he held out his hand to Spock.

Spock took his hand and allow himself to be pulled gently back into bed. He rearranged the sheet so it was covering them both.

"I love you Jim," he said kissing the top of Kirk's head. Kirk pulled Spock's arms around himself and closed his eyes. In moments he was sleeping. Spock closed his eyes to meditate on Jim's surprising lack of emotional response regarding his mother's death.

**)ST(**

When morning came Jim awoke to find Spock already gone, which was weird. Ever since they began their relationship the would have breakfast together in the Mess Hall. The only times that didn't happen in the last year was when Spock was either busy with a project in his lab or extremely pissed off at him. As far as he knew, there were no projects in the lab and he wasn't in the dog house. _Confusion abounds_, he thought, getting up and going to his shower.

After taking his shower he looked at himself in the mirror. His mother was dead. He sighed, she probably drank herself to death. He brushed his teeth and dried his hair. Probably went to Harold's Bar and drank him out of Jack and Johnny, walked home and collapsed. That's a dumbass way to go, he shook his head and walked back into his quarters pulling out his clothes. He dressed methodically, black Starfleet standard underwear, socks, pants, and a command gold shirt.

He sat on his bed to put on his boots when Spock walked in carrying an assortment of fruits, yogurt, granola, croissants and jams, but it was the smell of bacon and eggs that caught Kirk's attention.

"What's all of this?" Kirk said with a smile. Spock set the platter down on the table. In the common area of the room.

"I thought you would want to eat breakfast away from the others considering the news you received earlier," Spock began and several emotions flashed across Kirk's face. Surprise, anger, annoyance, smugness, finally he smiled.

"You're worried about me?" Kirk walked to his partner.

"I am concerned that the full weight of the information given to you earlier this morning has yet to... settle in. Furthermore, I feel you are displaying typical signs of the first stage of human grief... which is denial." Spock stood stiff in front of Kirk, but Kirk saw his jaw clench and unclench several times, which meant he was uncomfortable.

"Sit down, Spock," Kirk said gently and sat down. Spock sat across from him, expectantly. "First I want you to know, that I love you," he took Spock's hand. "I forgot to say that last night."

"Jim, I-" Spock said, but Kirk hushed him.

"The second thing I want you to know is that I appreciate this." Kirk gestured to the platter. "I really, really do. You are being very supportive right now and it's amazing, but entirely unnecessary in this instance." Kirk grabbed his hand. "When you lost your mother, it understandably hurt you. To mourn her loss... well, she deserved nothing less of you, because it was a true loss to you and your father." Kirk squeezed Spock's hand trying hard not to scrape open that wound again, but he desperately need Spock to understand him.

"Your love for Amanda was far superior than my love ever has been for Winona. She stopped being my mother a long time ago. She was an alcoholic. She was bitter. She abandoned me and my brother several times. She did not care who she left us with or where she left us; as long as we were far away from her. I don't grieve her death, I'm not in denial, and I won't become emotionally compromise at any point because of this. So in Vulcan terms it is illogical for me to mourn one who cared so little about my well being," he finished and then began to eat. Spock regarded him, quietly.

Finally, after Kirk had finish devouring his eggs and bacon, Spock finally broke the silence.

"I hear you, ashayam," he whispered.

And I know you, he thought. I will keep an eye on you until the bow breaks.

**)ST(**

Kirk sat on the bridge signing paperwork from the newest Yeoman. As much as he hated to indulge Winona by giving her more than a passing thought, he had found himself thinking about how she died. Was it quick? Did she suffer? Kirk could be the biggest asshole around, but he would hate it if his piss poor mother suffered in her last moments on earth.

Then he thought about his brother Sam. Did he know? He was going to be heartbroken, he knew Mom before she decided to check out on being a parent. He knew the good mom. He held on to the memory through all the shit she put us through. And his kids, last he heard Aurelan was pregnant with their second child. His son Peter was going to be devastated, he never knew death until now.

These random thoughts on his family kept playing through his mind, but the loudest was how did it happen?

A fall down the stairs? Drowned in the tub? Heart Attack? Liver failure?

"Captain," Uhura said, for the third time.

"Yes Lt. Uhura?" he said, his voice edged with agitation.

"Your brother is on subspace communication," she said.

"Yes, I'll take it in the conference room," he said, walking towards the door. He stopped. "Spock, you have the Conn."

"Yes Captain," Spock said standing up and sitting in the chair.

Kirk sat down and turned on the monitor. His brother sat bearded and glaring on the other side of the screen.

"James! Of all the selfish!"

"Selfish?"

"Self-Centered"

"Me?"

"Thoughtless!"

"I'm the one that's thoughtless?" Kirk said, indignantly.

"Childish things to do! You would miss your own mother's funeral? You would purposefully skip out on paying your respects to her?" Sam said, his arms crossed angrily in front of him.

"She purposefully skipped out on my entire childhood, our childhood, Sam!" Kirk yelled. "And she left us with that asshole, and then Tarsus!"

"Like that truly matters now! She's dead Jimmy! She can make it right, so why hold a grudge?"

The brother's glared at each other for a moment.

"Sam. I understand you feel...something for her. She gave you something she never gave me," Kirk said his bluster gone.

"Don't be an idiot she gave us both the same thing!"

"She loved you, Sam! She could barely stomach to look at me and the feeling was mutual," he said and Sam stared at him for a few minutes. Tired of being under his older brother's scrutiny he snapped. "I'm not coming to her funeral! Please respect my decision!"

"Fine!" he said going to shut off communication.

"Wait," Kirk said and his brother paused hoping he had a change of heart.

"How did she die?" Kirk asked and his brother rolled his eyes.

"You don't deserve to know! For someone who hates mom, you are **exactly** like her," he said.

"Sam," Kirk began, but Sam had already terminated their conversation.

A rush of burning hit the pit of is stomach, his heart went heavy, and his throat tightened. His eyes burned and he took a deep breath.

I'm not crying over this or her, he thought. Sam will get over it.

He took a moment to compose himself and went back on the Bridge. The heaviness he felt in his chest subsided, but the feeling stubbornly refused to go away.

"Captain, are you well?" Spock asked sliding out of Kirk's seat.

Kirk grunted something and then sighed, "Sulu, how far away are we from Earth?"

"Exactly 8.5 days at our current speed of Warp 4, we could cut that in have if we go to Warp 6, why Captain?"

"Plot a course to Starbase Alpha, Mr. Sulu. Uhura have engineering ready a shuttle craft. I need to go to Iowa," he grumbled.

"Vat's in Iowa Keptain?" Chekov asked.

"Apparently my dead mother," Kirk said and then took a deep breath. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at him with sympathetic eyes. Uhura stood up.

"I am so sorry, Captain," she said, from behind him.

"Thank you, Lieutenant. Please. Everyone. Carry on." he ordered and everyone slowly returned to their duties.

The rest of the Alpha shift passed in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Mature material further down. First Slash Scene. Don't judge ;) !

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

Kirk was walking to the Mess Hall for dinner when Spock fell into step besides him.

"Captain," That earned Spock a pointed glare. Spock started again with a small twitch of his lips.

"Jim, may I ask what changed your mind about the funeral?"

"Sam," he said, simply.

"Elaborate," he asked one eyebrow raised and Jim took his hand.

"Sam, made me realize that I was running away just like my mother did. There we were arguing, and I realized afterwards that was abandoning him, just like she did, because I didn't want to deal with this shit. I can justify not going there for her sake, but I can't justify leaving Sam and his family alone in this."

Spock squeezed Jim's hand, "I would like to accompany you to Iowa."

Jim looked up at Spock with a smile, "I wouldn't leave you behind."

Bones, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu and Chekov were all sitting around their normal table when Kirk and Spock walked in hand in hand.

Kirk sat in his chair next to Bones and Spock sat across from him.

"I'm fine Bones," he said to McCoy before he could say anything. Bones grumbled into his coffee. "That also goes for the rest of you, I'm fine. I'm not sad, depressed or compromised. I'm only going home as emotional support to my brother and his family."

"Jim, you gotta be feeling something, you're not a cold man," Bones argued.

"I do feel something," Kirk said, and everyone at the table interest piqued, even Spock's. "Hungry."

Kirk grinned snatching the menu out of Sulu's hand playfully and Bones rolled his eyes.

"Damn smart ass! Mother dies and he doesn't have the damned sense to be sad about it."

"I'm sad, but I'm not gonna bawl about it. The woman pushed me out and then pushed me away. I would have been better of in a group home," Kirk hunched his shoulders. "Looks like meatloaf tonight." he handed the menu back to Sulu, stood up, and went to the replicators. Spock looked at McCoy barely keeping his impassive visage in check.

"Doctor, he does not need to be pushed right now," he said and McCoy shook his head.

"He needs to be slapped upside his fool head. He's clearly in denial. Only good thing is that he's going home. I surely hope your Vulcan sensibilities are gonna help him when he is curled up in the fetal position crying like the overgrown infant he is!" McCoy stood up and left.

Spock looking over to where Jim was deciding whether he was doing carrot cake or chocolate cake for dessert. Nyota scooted closer to Spock.

"How are you doing?" Nyota asked him. He looked at her.

"I am within parameters," he said and she rolled her eyes.

"Even despite only two years ago you lost your own mother? Sometimes certain emotional events can trigger negative emotions," she prodded. Spock looked at his menu, the fried zucchini and eggplant in red sauce looked promising. "Fine, deal with him on your own."

"Nyota, I can assure you that I am well. The loss of Jim's mother is not nearly as traumatic for him as it was for me, he assures me. Logically, I can only be as supportive as he needs me to be." Spock said, as he rose to get his dinner. Nyota grabbed his arm gently.

"When he breaks down and he will. Just hold him, say nothing, just hold him," she said and Spock's features warmed towards her.

"Thank you," he said and she nodded.

**)ST(**

After dinner Spock and Kirk went to his quarters. Spock was surprised when Jim unexpectedly jumped him after the door closed. Jim's lips found his as his hands went up his shirt. Spock removed it quickly as to not damage another uniform. As soon as he had tossed his shirt on an empty chair Jim kissed a path down Spock's chest. Stopping to lick and suck his nipples. Then Jim was on his knees in front of him, unbuttoning his pants. He pulled down Spock's pants to his knees and grabbed Spock's hardening member.

"Jim," he gasped, as Jim quickly enveloped his cock in the wet warmth of his mouth. "Jim," Spock said again firmly and his Captain rolled his eyes up to him.

"What!" Jim said a little perturbed as he stroked Spock with one hand.

"The speed in which you are pushing tonight's foreplay is illogical," Spock said, pulling away and waddling to the bed. "I am not trying to escape," He grinned slightly as he removed his boots, pants, and underwear.

"I know I just need you," Jim said, hastily undressing in front of him. Laying on the bed, Spock held out his hand to him, Jim batted it away and pounced on Spock again, straddling him.

"I need you," Jim captured his mouth with his and then nibbled his lower lip. He broke away and began kissing up Spock's jaw. When Jim began nibbling on his ears Spock groaned and writhed against him.

"I want you to fuck me," he whispered. His hand went down to Spock's member and stroked. "I want you to fill me, with all of this," he squeezed pulling the most delicious growl from Spock. Spock sat up, with one arm grasping Jim close, he reached for the lube on the night stand.

Jim kissed him again hands on either side of his face. "Fuck me now, I want it now, give it to me."

"You are not sufficiently prepared," Spock said, Jim gyrated in his lap.

"Fuck me, hurry!" he moaned, and that's when Spock noticed. Jim was not hard.

Spock's hand abandoned the lube and grabbed Jim's cock, he was soft, "Jim?"

"Ignore it," he said and took the discarded lube from the bed. He smeared lube all over Spock's member and then grinned as he put some on Spock's sensitive fingers.

"Make me sufficiently prepared, Commander. That's an order," he wickedly grinned, and then began attacking Spock's sensitive ears again. Spock reached underneath Jim and began fingering his ass.

"More," Jim whispered shoving his tongue into Spock's ear. Spock whimpered and then added a second finger. Jim gasped as Spock's fingers ghosted close to his prostate. Jim stroked Spock's member and guided him in to his entrance. He pushed Spock back on the bed with his free hand, sliding down until their thighs met.

"Yes, fuck, that's too fucking good," he said when Spock was inside him. Jim began rocking back and forth and Spock grabbed his hips.

"More," Spock growled and Jim began to move up and down.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Jim chanted, his eyes closed and his mouth slack. Spock felt Jim get hard between them and he picked Jim up and laid him on his back. Without any warning Spock slammed into him hard. Jim cried out. Spock paused, afraid he hurt him.

" I am sorry," he began, but Jim wrapped his hands around his neck and pulled him closer to hush him with a kiss.

"Do it, again," he said, his brow furrowed in pleasure, his blue eyes fixed on Spock. Spock groaned and put his forehead on Jim's then obliged. Again, Jim made that same strangled cry throwing his head back. "God yes, again, hard," Jim begged. Spock slammed into him hard over and over again until Jim's eyes rolled back into his head. "Fuck yes! Fuck me. I'm so close."

"I am...as well." Spock said, his movements faltering. Spock thrust hard once more and Jim's back involuntarily rolled as he came hard. Semen splashed against Spock's abs. Spock released into Jim in hot spurts that kept his orgasm going. After long moment Jim collapsed against the pillows spent.

"You fuck so good," he panted, incoherently. Spock blushed at his praise. Jim ran his sweaty hand down his abs. "Made you messy," he yawned and Spock grinned briefly.

"I believe I can say the same," he said as he slipped out of him.

"Shower?" Jim yawned.

"Perhaps when you are fully awake, ashayam," Spock kissed his temple reaching towards their nightstand. He found their stash of wet wipes and wiped himself and then Jim off. He discarded the wipes and ran his hand through Jim's hair. Jim curled around him and placed his head on Spock's chest.

"Computer, lights at five percent," he ordered before snuggling down with his lover as Jim began to snore slightly. Spock yawned and then closed his eyes.

**)ST(**

The Enterprise reached Starbase Alpha within five days. Kirk put Scotty in charge, and told the crew that they could rotate shore leave until he returned. Spock and Kirk boarded the shuttle. Spock piloted them down to the surface as Kirk sat in the co-pilot's chair silently.

"Are you well, ashayam?" Spock asked and Jim nodded.

"Just thinking, it's been a long time."

"Indeed." Spock concurred.

It took them less than three hours to reach Iowa transport station and land. Sam and his wife, Aurelan was there waiting. Jim saw his brother and immediately exited the ship excitedly as Spock fully powered everything down.

"Hey big shot, Starfleet Captain," Sam said, pulling his little brother into a bear hug.

"Hey Sam," he said out of breath. he patted his brother's back affectionately and they broke apart.

"Aurelan, you remember, Jimmy?" Sam said and Aurelan smiled, blushing. She was heavy with their second child. Jim gently touched her belly.

"You remain as beautiful as the first time I laid eyes on you," he said, kissing her cheek.

"You are still a habitual flirt," she giggled.

"Girl?" he asked of the baby and she rolled her eyes.

"I wish! No, in here is another male Kirk. God help us all!" she shook her head.

"Speaking of young male Kirk where's Peter?"

"We left him with Aure's parents for a visit, this seems a little to much for a five year old," Sam said and Jim nodded.

Spock finally emerged from the shuttle and Jim waived him over. Jim pointed at his brother and fixed him with a stare.

"Don't freak the fuck out!" Jim warned. Sam gave him his best "who me?" look.

"Sam, Aurelan, this is my boyfriend...Spock," Jim said, and Spock nodded his greeting at them both.

Aurelan and Sam looked at Spock with wide eyes. Spock turned to Jim.

"Are they more shocked that I am male, or that I'm Vulcan?" he asked with an inquisitive eyebrow.

Sam laughed breaking the awkward silence, "Vulcan. Jimmy, don't care about gender, that's for sure," he laughed and slapped Spock's shoulder affectionately reminding him of pre-relationship Kirk days.

"I'm glad you came, Jimmy. I'm glad you both came," Sam said sincerely as he picked up their bags and led them to their hover car.

**)ST(**

Riding back to the Kirk home, Jim was filled with a bunch of complex emotions. Nostalgia, anger, sadness, Spock went to hold his hand, but Jim pulled away. It didn't seem fair to Spock to share his dark mood.

"How did she die, Sam?" he finally said and Sam sighed deeply focusing intently on the empty road.

"Cancer, she had cervical cancer," he said and Jim laughed suddenly.

"Jim?" Spock asked confused by his reaction.

"Nothing just typical of her not to say anything," Jim hunched his shoulder and Sam looked back at him through the rearview. "I mean cervical cancer? Really? Did you know, Sam?" Jim said, finding himself irrationally angry suddenly.

"I didn't know, Jim, the last time she saw Aure and I, she looked healthy and said she was fine," Sam explained and Jim laughed again, bitterly, shaking his head.

"Typical," he muttered under his breath.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks to all who declared my story a favorite and put it on alert. I am humbled and honored.

Disclaimer: Not Mine, Damn it!

AN: Angsty goodness ahead.

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><p>Jim didn't know what to expect when they arrived at the Kirk home. Part of him imagined that it would look exactly how he left it, a giant broken down shack of a house with it's siding falling off, boarded up windows, a broken down barn, and garage surrounded by acres and acres of flat desert dust-bowl that used to be farmland. Instead he found the house had been renovated. The barn was gone. The wrap around porch had been repaired and a swing was added. The outside of the house was repainted, white siding, blue rafters and red accents. Fresh thick healthy grass covered the grounds of the house. There were flowers planted as well as a tomato garden. The house was surrounded by a pristine white picket fence. Even his father's garage had been rebuilt and renovated. Kirk stood next to his brother in front of the property amazed.<p>

"Winnie was busy," Sam said, with a fond smile and Jim nodded, wordlessly.

The inside of the house had also seen many renovations. The center stairs leading to the second floor had been rebuilt. The floors in the entire house had been replaced from light colored oak scarred by time to shiny dark mahogany. The kitchen had been extended and updated with replicators.

"No fucking way, would have killed for a replicator when we were growing up here," Jim said and Spock grinned slightly at his irrationally perturbed tone.

Jim took Spock's hand and ran upstairs dragging Spock behind him with a childlike glee. He found his bedroom door and opened it. The room was updated, but the layout remained the same. The bed was new and queen sized, but it was made up with a coverlet with a star map design. His wood captain's desk was still in the same corner. He ran his hand over the jaggedly carved "JTK". He remembered carving it into the side with one of his father's pocket knives. He laughed, when he spotted his old baseball bat lying underneath the desk just like he kept it when he lived there. He picked it up and sat on his bed with a sigh.

"I can't believe..." he trailed off for a moment. Spock stood in front of him silently waiting.

"She kept it the same for the most part," he looked up at Spock, then sighed wistfully. Spock sat down besides him, soaking up his momentary glee. Suddenly, Jim became quiet and increasingly more somber as he traced the bat with his fingers.

"There's a lot of bad memories here, no matter how much she updated... this house...the things that happened here," he frowned. Spock took his hand.

"Hey Jimmy," Sam called from downstairs. Jim rose his fingers traced along Spock's in the Vulcan kiss. Before he let go putting the bat on the bed besides Spock. Spock picked up the bat and noticed it had once been split down the middle and had been meticulously put back together with wood glue. He laid the bat back on the bed, with a raised eyebrow, and followed Jim downstairs.

The brothers were in the kitchen, sitting around the kitchen table.

"How did she afford to do all this?" Jim asked. Spock sat down besides him as Aurelan made them all large glasses of ice tea.

"A big ass twister hit while you were out saving the world and exploring the stars. It destroyed the Hinley's house down the road, Dad's garage, and the old barn. Mom got disaster relief money and decided to use it to update this house instead of rebuilding the barn," Sam said as Aurelan served them the tea. She sat down and Sam wrapped his arm around her.

Sam smiled and reminisced, "You know, Daddy used to sit right where you are cleaning car parts. It drove Winnie crazy cause he'd always get some kind of grease stain on her frilly white table clothes."

Aurelan squeezed his hand, "You should give it to him now," she whispered. Sam quietly rose from his chair.

"What is he giving me?" Jim asked, the last thing he was expecting was anything from Winnie.

"While we were waiting for Iowa Medical to transport the body to the funeral home, Sam and I decided to begin packing away some of your mother's things. There was a box addressed to you from her," Aurelan explained.

Sam walked in with a large cardboard box and set it in front of Jim.

"I know how you feel about her, and I won't argue that those feelings are wrong, but you should take a look through this when your ready. I don't know what's inside, but maybe what she left might help you through all of this," he said.

"Through all of what, Sam? She's dead," Jim said, angrily. Spock noticed Sam flinch at the word dead. Aurelan rose from her chair and gave Spock a look that said "Prepare yourself" as she wobbled back to the counter to prepare dinner. Spock followed her.

"You felt nothing at all for her Jim, not one thing?" Sam yelled.

"How do you want me to react? Huh, you want me to cry? Why? Is she gonna rise from the dead like Lazarus if I do?" Jim yelled back.

"She tried, she tried really hard," Sam argued.

"Did you live in some trans-dimensional parallel childhood I wasn't aware of? Because from what I remember was that she ran. She left us as soon as she could, without hesitation, and without a single care of who she was leaving her children with!" Jim sat back in his chair looking at his brother as if he had two heads.

"She didn't know about Frank," Sam said, red-faced.

"That's fucking bullshit," Jim yelled. "Why are you placing her on a pedestal now that she's dead? It doesn't make a difference, Sam! It doesn't change the fact that she was a shit mother and you know it!"

Sam stood so abruptly the chair clattered to the floor, "I'm taking a walk!" he called back to them as he stalked out of the kitchen, a second later they all heard the front door slam.

Spock looked at Jim, with the same calm mask as usual, but his eyes said, "Unacceptable!"

"I'll go after him," Aurelan walking towards the front door. Jim was agitated, but felt guilty. Spock could tell by his posture and the way his eyes had shifted downcast.

"No, I'll do it," Jim rose and stopped her with his hand on her shoulder in the living room. Spock followed them.

"You've done and said enough, James," Aurelan pulled away, looking more tired and exasperated than angry.

"As the perpetrator of the offense, Jim should be the one to make amends," Spock said, in what Jim referred to as his "doghouse" tone. Jim winced as Spock stressed the words "offense" and "amends.

"I'm going, I'm going," Jim grumbled as he walked out after Sam.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N The story alert and favorites blow my mind! Thanks to all who are enjoying this. hope you like this Chapter I have been feeling 50/50 about it.

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

" Do you wish me to ascertain their well being?" Spock asked Aurelan and she shook her head.

Ten minutes earlier, Spock and Aurelan had watched from the kitchen's bay window as Jim entered the family's garage. It was then Aurelan began her silent vigil sitting down on the window seat.

"Can I be of anymore assistance?" Spock asked, placing the last dish on the table.

"No, you have done more than enough, Spock," she smiled not once making eye contact. "I swear you chop vegetables faster than a four star chef." She with a tired heavy sigh, Aurelan finally broke herself away from the window and sat down at the table. She stretched her back slowly and rubbed her large pregnant belly.

"Are you well?" Spock asked concern seeped into his tone.

"I'm one hundred percent, this Kirk is just really active at night," she suddenly took Spock's hand and placed on her stomach. Spock eyebrow rose, but he resisted snatching his hand away out of pure intrigue. Suddenly, he felt a tiny foot rub against his hand.

"I believe that was a foot," he said and Aurelan smiled. He gently pulled his hand away.

"Then that's probably exactly what it was," she laughed and then grew somber. She looked into Spock's eyes.

"It's not like they don't love each other, you know. They'd die for each other, but there's more than enough guilt, resentment, and hurt between them... it pulls them apart every time. Being around each other just brings everything too close to the surface. I used to try to get them both to understand that they were victims of a hard life and that neither one of them is responsible for what happened to them. It falls on deaf ears every time. I eventually just gave up," she finished, sadly looking at her hands as they rested on top of her bump.

"As a Vulcan, when we feel strong emotions, we meditate. During our meditation process we analyze and deconstruct each emotion until only logic remains. It is not something we are born with as some would like to believe, but something we practice every moment of our lives beginning with our first breath." Spock stood up and walked to the window.

"When my planet was destroyed, when my own mother died, I felt an indescribable crushing loss. There was no peace in meditation, just memories. Most of which... pained me too much to process," Spock paused, his jaw clenched as that wave of mourning he thought was gone rushed back.

"Jim had the most efficacious ability to maneuver around all my Vulcan control to get me to see the logic in experiencing my emotions. He helped me find a balance within myself and continues to do so. I know he is experiencing incredible emotional discordance. I wish to help him as he did me, but until his anger wanes, I can do nothing but wait and assure him that I will remain by his side through this. I believe, it is the same between you and Sam."

Aurelan stood up with a slow breath and walked to the window. She placed her hand on Spock's back, "It doesn't stop it from being painful to watch."

"Indeed," Spock nodded.

**)ST(**

Jim knew exactly where Sam had stalked off to as he walked around the house. He rubbed the chill away from his arms as the cool spring breeze kicked up. Sam was in their father's garage, well... the rebuilt garage. He was sitting on the work bench holding a hammer. He was silently crying when Jim hopped up on the table next to him. They sat silently next to each other until Sam pulled himself back together.

"You have always been a little asshole," Sam said, angrily, turning to him and Jim smiled.

"Learned from the best," Jim gently nudged him with his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I know you loved, Winnie."

"Jimmy, I know she fucked up, I'm not stupid. She fucked up big time, but I forgave her. And though she wasn't perfect afterwards, she tried to make it right with, Pete, she really did." Sam ran his hand down the back of his stubborn brother's head and then squeezed the back of his neck gently. "And I know you're thinking her interaction with Pete was some manipulation into my life, but I forgave her for me, not her."

"Carrying all that shit from our childhood around, is toxic. I know you had it way worse than I ever imagined and it kills me, you gotta know that," Sam said, his eyes pleading with Jim.

"You know I don't blame you, for any of it," he said, quietly and Sam hopped down from the table.

"You don't need to. I blame myself and that's my burden to bare. Irrational or not," Sam said and Jim hopped off the table. "So I understand how you feel about, Mom. I really do. I just hope one day, you can finally purge some of it and finally have some peace." Sam hugged him briefly. Jim was quiet and distant as he went over his brother's words, finally he nodded.

"We cool?" Jim asked, nervously and Sam grinned briefly.

"You're still an asshole, but you're my little brother. God help me," he shook his head.

**)ST(**

Later on that night after a quiet, but delicious home cooked meal, Spock and Jim retired for the evening. Jim left the large unopened box Sam gave him in the kitchen, but Spock decided to bring it upstairs. Jim walked out of the shower, in a towel slung low on his hips, and his hair still wet. The box was sitting in their room by the bed as Spock sat by the desk in a thick black robe reading quietly waiting for Jim.

"Et tu Brutus?" he deadpanned and Spock looked up at him.

"Illogical. Bringing this box, your box, with us is in no way aligned with me stabbing you in the back," Spock answered, Jim smiled walking over to him.

"The context in which I was referring, is you going along with my brother and his wife on the subject of this box and trying to get me to open it. You sneaky, Vulcan," Jim leaned down and kissed Spock gently on the lips.

"I'm too exhausted to open that Pandora right now," Jim yawned, dressing for bed. Spock nodded.

"I would only like to say this, and then I will not mention it again," Spock pointed to the box and Jim nodded, curtly. "Inside this box, are things your mother wanted to share with you. With that action alone it says that she held some kind of affection for you and we can speculate that there might be answers or apologies regarding your upbringing."

"Spock-," Jim began and Spock continued.

"Furthermore, you might gain a greater understanding to the type of person she was, and thus would lead you to a better understanding of her choices," he finished with a nod. Jim laid down on the bed and closed his eyes. Spock went back to reading, ignoring the angry twitch in his lover's jaw.

"Spock," Jim finally said and Spock placed his Padd down. "I understand what you're saying. I will eventually open the box, but you must understand there's a lot of pain between Winnie and I, that I'm not yet ready to forgive."

"As you wish," Spock acquiesced.

**)ST(**

The next morning, the funeral took place at their town's family own local funeral home. The service was small, quick, and painless like Jim thought it would be. Sam bawled like a baby during the viewing. Jim just looked at his mother, peacefully inside her casket in quiet shock. Spock stood closely behind him, so close that Jim could feel the warmth radiating from his body. Jim leaned back into him and Spock moved closer.

"I did not know you." Spock began talking to Winona, shocking Jim. "I would have liked to thank you for your son in person," he finished. Jim felt the heavy tight feeling in his chest again and shoved it down.

"After," Spock began and paused uncharacteristically, which meant he was fighting his own emotions. "After the Narada was destroyed and the Enterprise was making it's way back to Earth on impulse. I was having difficulty reconciling my loss of Amanda. I could not meditate, I could not focus, I had not been able to acquire an appetite for food. A week had passed, when I received a uncharacteristic knock on my door..."

**)ST(**

**Enterprise**

_A week after Narada incident.._

Kirk stood outside of Spock's door nervously. He knew he should just mind his business, but Spock was a wreck. Not even Nyota could get through to him and after their last fight, Jim knew she would stop trying. He had just come from sickbay when he bumped into Sarek.

"Ambassador," he squeaked, not because he was surprised, but because his vocal chords were still bruised and swollen by the choking he received on bridge.

"Please do not speak. I see that it pains you," Sarek said and Jim smiled, hunching his shoulders.

"Well, I can whisper and I know that you hear me, so how about that compromise?" Jim smiled, almost clapping his shoulder playfully, but caught himself mid way. Sarek's eyebrow rose.

"How's Spock?" Kirk said, his ears were burning red with embarrassment.

"My son refuses to talk to me, as well as eat, sleep, or meditate. I fear for his mental state," Sarek said, his tone was stolid and vacant of all emotion, but there was a very real concern written all over his eyes. Kirk paused, thoughtfully.

"Well, I guess it's up to me then," he said and Sarek regarded him for a moment as if he just coughed up a Sehlat.

"Captain, what makes you believe you can get him to do what me and his significant other can not?" Sarek asked and Kirk hunched his shoulders.

"I know a thing or two about loss and feeling hopeless. If all else fails I will order him to do it, I'm still his Captain." Kirk then smiled. "Besides, he owes me for making me sound like this."

"Indeed," Sarek nodded his goodnight to the Captain and walked off.

Five minutes later, Kirk stood outside Spock's door after banging on it like a madman. The door chime was down due to preliminary repairs. After a moment Spock opened the door. He was wearing a brown micro velvet robe that parted across his bare chest in a deep V. Kirk noticed his bare legs and feet peeking out. Kirk's mouth went dry, as he cleared his mind to stop the blood rushing into his groin.

"Captain, I did not expect for you to come seek me out this time of night," Spock said, tiredly.

"I'm sorry to disturb you," Kirk whispered and Spock face fell into deep remorse.

"Your voice," he said, stepping aside so Kirk could enter the room.

"Yeah it's a little rough, but I'll live. Don't worry about it. I totally would have kicked my own ass if I was you," Kirk nodded and then smiled.

"Captain, would you like some tea or anything to soothe your throat?" he offered and Kirk shoved away every juvenile dirty comment that crossed his mind and shook his head.

"No, No Spock, that's all right. I just came to first apologize about what happened on the bridge. I provoked you and that was a dick move, so I'm sorry. Secondly, I want you on the bridge and I mean really there, not off somewhere in your head. That means I need you, at least 85 percent. According to your father, you haven't been taking care of yourself and as long as you are still a part of this crew that is unacceptable."

"You spoke with my Father?" Spock said, with no inflection in his voice, but there was a fire in his eyes. He was pissed.

"Yeah, just now in the hallway," Kirk said, and realized Spock thought his father was meddling. "Look, I was already on my way here. Your father just confirmed what I already knew."

Spock looked skeptical, "Captain, though I understand your...concern, I can assure you-"

"Have you said goodbye?" Kirk interrupted Spock and Spock looked thoroughly confused

"Have I said goodbye?"

"To your mom?"

"Captain, my mother is-"

"It doesn't matter, sometimes... as crazy as it sounds, sometimes just the act of saying everything you wanted to say to a person even though they can't hear it is cathartic. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it eases it a little," Kirk said.

"I do not understand how-"

"It's not about understanding, it's about feeling. And I know you feel," Kirk put his hand on his shoulder. " I'm pretty sure she knew how you felt for her too." he smiled, reassuringly. "But just for you, tell her all the things you never told her and when you're done...say goodbye." Kirk walked to the door and as he was about to leave, Spock said:

"Thank you, Captain."

Jim smiled and the winked at him, "We're off duty, Spock. Call me, Jim."


End file.
